the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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