my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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