I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
