Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
