I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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