I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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