he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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