I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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