Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
