I just cut my nipple shaving
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
