Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's shark week go big or go home
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
