i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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