god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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