Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
