He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
