Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
