it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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