I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
