My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
