Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
ttyl tear gas
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
