Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Bring me that man meat
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
