yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
