I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
