Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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