We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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