i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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