If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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