so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love you. Go after that dick
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
