I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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