Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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