you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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