after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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