The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
