You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
