Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
