i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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