i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
