Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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