Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
