I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
