guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
