i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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