I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
