I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
