Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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