I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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