When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
