and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
