Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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