im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
